Florida Amendments 2024: Hunting, Homestead, and Getting High

Early voting has already started in Florida, and the 2024 ballot has some amendments to the State Constitution that cover a wide range of policies, from school boards to marijuana to homestead exemptions. Between partisan ads and problematic language, these things can get confusing. I’m hoping this short analysis will clear away some of the ambiguity.

Two things before we continue. First, as an Independent with a strong (but not absolute) Libertarian streak, I’m fundamentally built to resist changes to the Constitution. If you want me to vote “yes,” your amendment better be clear and necessary. Second, this is my research to help me cast my vote. I encourage you to do your own. The only thing worse than not voting is voting without having a clue about what’s on the ballot. 

Amendment 1

Partisan Election or Members of District School Boards

Vote: NO

This is an easy one. There is no need to require members of a district school board to be elected in a partisan election. For one thing, this disenfranchises people like me, who aren’t affiliated with a political party, because we can potentially lose even more power at the ballot box. And who exactly benefits by adding an extra layer of partisan nastiness to school board elections? I’ll give you a hint: not Florida students. 

Amendment 2

Right to Fish and Hunt

Vote: YES

This amendment is designed to “preserve forever fishing and hunting, including by the use of traditional methods, as a public right and preferred means of responsibly managing and controlling fish and wildlife.” Look, I don’t hunt and I almost never fish. I also understand that animal rights activists are probably not big fans of hunting for managing wildlife populations. However, the annual collection of invasive pythons from the Everglades tells me that hunting is absolutely necessary in this state.

But is this amendment absolutely necessary? After all, there is already a statute on this (Florida Statute 379.104) that declares the right to hunt and fish “should be forever preserved for Floridians.” For me, this amendment won’t change much, but it will serve as a very solid line of defense against future attempts to curtail hunting and fishing rights—and it specifically states that the amendment “does not limit the authority granted to the Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission,” so we’re not talking a free-for-all shooting fest. And before you think I’m overthinking this, Florida voters approved an amendment to the Constitution to ban dog racing in the state in 2018, so the idea that activists would go after hunting rights on the grounds of “humane treatment of animals” is not inconceivable. 

Amendment 3

Adult Personal Use of Marijuana

Vote: NO

Marijuana is still illegal at the federal level, but this amendment permits adults (ages 21 and up) to buy, own, and use marijuana for non-medical purposes. On my sample ballot, in bold type and all caps no less, it reads: “THIS PROPOSED CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENT IS ESTIMATED TO HAVE A NET POSITIVE IMPACT ON THE STATE BUDGET. THIS IMPACT MAY RESULT IN GENERATING ADDITIONAL REVENUE OR AN INCREASE IN GOVERNMENT SERVICES.” Golly, not that anyone is trying to persuade voters, but it almost sounds like the main reason to legalize marijuana is to generate revenue. And let’s be honest: It will generate millions in tax revenue. But you can only buy it legally from approved state licensed entities, so you can’t grow it yourself, and I’m pretty sure that recreational use of marijuana will quickly extend into public places like parks and parking lots. The Libertarian in me couldn’t care less what adults put in their own bodies in their own homes, as long as it doesn’t impact children, animals, or non-consenting adults. But it won’t stay in homes, and I don’t think this is something that needs to be ingrained the Florida Constitution. Life, liberty, and Mary Jane? Ridiculous. 

Amendment 4

Limit Government Interference with Abortion

Vote: No Recommendation

My least favorite topic. There are extremists on both sides, there will never be anything close to universal agreement, and a blog version of a sound bite isn't going to change any minds. So, instead, I'm going to use this space to encourage you to call your congressman and ask why Vasalgel (aka Plan A)—a nonsurgical, inexpensive, long-lasting, and reversible male contraception option—is not yet available in the United States. Maybe that could help reduce unwanted pregnancies.  

Amendment 5

Annual Adjustments to the Value of Certain Homestead Exemptions

Vote: NO

Amendment 5 would give homeowners “an annual adjustment for inflation to the value of current of future homestead exemptions.” The adjustment would not apply to school district taxes. On the surface, this sounds swell. Hey, if I own and live in my home in Florida, I get a larger homestead exemption every year. But it’s just for homeowners. How will local governments make up the cost? Will they just raise the millage rate on your home? Transfer the burden to commercial and rental properties? Or will they cut services to residents and businesses? Homeowners may think they’re getting a win here, but only because someone else will lose. Sure doesn’t seem fair to me. 

Amendment 6

Repeal of Public Campaign Financing Requirement

Vote: YES

This would repeal Section 7 of Article VI of the State Constitution, which “requires the availability of public financing for campaigns of candidates for elective statewide office who agree to campaign spending limits.” Basically, that means candidates for governor and cabinet offices. Public campaign financing was adopted in 1998 by Florida voters. In 2010, Amendment 1 tried to repeal it—while the majority of voters approved the measure, it did not reach the supermajority of 60% to be adopted. So, 14 years later, here we go again. Look, according to numbers from the Florida Senate, public financing (read: you and I) provided $9.8 million and $13 million for the 2018 and 2022 elections, respectively. I’m all for political free speech, but I shouldn’t have to pay for it.

The Mucker of Santa’s Workshop

“He flew too close to the sun.” A tiny teardrop trickled from Raphael’s left eye.

”He stole one of my flying reindeer and decided to bareback it 150 feet above the North Pole,” retorted Santa Claus. “Now I need a new lead mucker.” He turned his head quickly to scan the stalls, but saw no hint of activity. “Frankie!”

Two stalls away, an elf responded with a pained grunt. He came into the hallway, walking as if he had been unpleasantly interrupted in the middle of a nap. He had been napping, of course, sleeping off a night of shots and chasers at the gentlemen’s club at the edge of the North Pole. He sauntered slowly to Santa, dragging his pitchfork behind him and trying unsuccessfully to straighten his hair with his free hand. “Hey, Santa, didn’t see you there,” Frankie managed, desperately trying to focus on the big red suit a few paces in front of him.

“Not surprising, considering how bloodshot your eyes are this morning.” Santa’s tone was neither holly nor jolly.

“Oh, that?” Frankie muttered. “That’s just allergies. All the reindeer shit, you know.”

“How silly of me, I guess I forgot about the high pollen count in reindeer feces.”

“Don’t sweat it, Santa.” The hungover elf had missed the sarcasm. In his mind, the conversation was going surprisingly well. “So, what brings you down to the stalls?”

“Blitzen is dead.”

“Oh man.” Frankie paused to consider the news. “Suicide?”

Raphael, as kempt as Frankie was unkempt, inserted himself into the conversation. “No, not suicide,” he said, flipping through a few pages on his clipboard. “According to the official report, your manager, Krystal, decided it would be fun to take Blitzen out for a midnight cruise. His girlfriend, Crystal, no relation thank God, is all broken up about things. She had to identify the … splatter.”

Frankie’s head almost cleared a little. “No, no, wait. Krystal doesn’t know how to fly the reindeer. I mean, he can walk them around the snow…”

“Yes, well, last night he took things to the next level, and he and Blitzen paid the price,” Raphael said, tears welling up again.

“So it was murder?”

No more tears. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, he killed the reindeer, right? Isn’t that murder?”

“Are you saying this was intentional, that Krystal held a grudge against Blitzen?” Raphael positioned himself for some serious note-taking.

“No, no, he loved that horse.”

“Reindeer.”

“Whatever. But if it’s not murder, what is it? Vehicular manslaughter? I mean, the reindeers are, kind of like flying cars, right?”

Raphael was no longer in writing position.

“Enough.” After the morning’s gruesome discovery, Santa’s patience was already worn thin. A freshly inebriated elf wielding a pitchfork and suddenly assuming his true calling was crime scene investigation was just too much. Santa took a deep breath to collect his thoughts, and was almost able to sound holly, though jolly would take more time. “Frankie, let us handle the particulars. For now, I need you to be the lead mucker until such time as we can post the position and do a proper round of interviews.”

“Really?” asked Rafael.

“Really?” repeated Frankie.

“Really,” Santa finished. He solemnly put his hands on Frankie’s shoulders, and looked him directly in the eyes. “Frankie, with your pitchfork filled with hay, won’t you muck my stalls today?”

Granted, it was not flawless iambic pentameter, and Frankie’s pitchfork didn’t actually have any hay on it, but Frankie didn’t hesitate. After all, what elf could resist a direct rhyming request from Santa Claus himself? “Absolutely, Santa!” he exclaimed. He regretted the volume immediately, and realized he was probably going to need to throw up soon. Santa gave him a warm smile, a short nod, and a small shoulder squeeze, then turned and left the stalls with Rafael.

Santa was still well within earshot when Frankie retched on the exact spot where Santa had been standing just moments ago. “I’ll, uhh, start with that,” Frankie called weakly. Santa and Rafael kept walking.

“Sir, are you sure that was a … wise decision?” Raphael asked as delicately as he possibly could.

“Of course it’s not a wise decision,” Santa admitted. “But there’s no one else here to do the job right now.”

“Very well,” Raphael answered, making a few quick updates on his clipboard.

“We also need to schedule a funeral,” Santa added.

“Yes, sir, I’ll talk with Crystal to see if Krystal had made any final arrangements…”

“Not for that bastard. You can feed him to the polar bears for all I care. For Blitzen! Everybody loved that reindeer, and now we have to find a new one and train it for the Black Friday dry run.”

Santa Claus and his wife, of course, were magically endowed with long life (it’s the only way ordinary humans could have survived so long on a diet built around hot cocoa and Christmas candy), but the reindeer had to be replaced at regular intervals. It hadn’t caused much of a problem until the 1820s, when that “Night Before Christmas” poem listed Santa’s reindeer by name. Since then, a new reindeer assumed the role of the retired (or, in this case, deceased) member of the team.

“How’s the rest of summer looking?”

Raphael looked at his clipboard and clicked his tongue. “Not good. There’s beta testing on that JoJo Jumpbot gaming system, and we still have to finalize the new sector of the workshop for that new Halloween work.”

“The Halloween subcontract gig,” Santa sighed. “I can’t believe I let you talk me into that. That reminds me, we need to check on our orange dye reserves.”

As Santa and Rafael shuffled away, Frankie looked down at the result of his binge drinking and had what could only be described as a moment of clarity. He had lost his job as a toymaker in Santa’s workshop several months earlier, following a mini-riot (they were elves, so “mini” is probably redundant) sparked by revelations of improper elf activities. A rather unfortunate incident with an inconveniently placed jack-in-the-box during the melee had left him unable to sit for long periods of time. He was also a pretty lousy toymaker. And a drunk.

During the public forum following the incident, Frankie said he had been wrongly accused. He was set up, he argued. He was the fall guy, he insisted. He was a patsy, he proclaimed. Of course, once you proclaim yourself a patsy, there’s just no end to the giggles and snarky remarks. His career in toymaking was finished.

But all that was in the past, he thought as he led Comet to an empty stall so he could muck out the reindeer’s usual quarters. There were only a few short months until Black Friday, and Frankie was determined to show Santa he was worthy of his poetic praise. He stopped drinking and dived headfirst into work, figuratively of course. Within two weeks, he had conquered “the shakes” and developed a maintenance routine for the reindeer barn. He wrote it down and posted it near the equipment closet.

Alas, Frankie had a list but failed to check it twice. No doubt a second perusal would have helped him avoid the overturned rake he had carelessly left in the middle of the barn. Instead, he stepped on the rake, smacking himself upside the head with its industrial grade handle. As he fell unconscious, his right shoulder managed to hit the lock on the new Blitzen’s stall. When the gate sprang open, the untrained reindeer sprang out and took the opportunity to wreak reindeer havoc throughout the complex. By a stroke of luck, Blitzen had failed to crush Frankie beneath its hooves when it made its escape. When he woke up in the hospital the next day with a nasty bruise and a concussion, Frankie was informed that both he and Blitzen had been replaced.

After several minutes of destructive jumping and trampling, the beast was put down by Crystal, an excellent markswoman, with a single shot. While she argued the shooting was justified, some witnesses thought her actions seemed less about public safety and more about a misguided personal vendetta. No formal charges were ever filed. Crystal was ostracized by a select group of elves because of her “cold blooded” solution to the rampaging reindeer; on the positive side, she never again had to buy a drink when she frequented the Huntsman’s Bar next door to the gentlemen’s club.

Amendment Mania: Florida Voters Have a Dozen Decisions in 2018

From offshore drilling to casino gambling, Florida voters have the option to vote on 12 amendments to the Constitution of the State of Florida on Nov. 6, 2018. That’s a lot of amendments, and the language can get confusing and misleading, so here’s my attempt to provide some clarity. Please note, I’m an Independent with Libertarian leanings. Intrinsically, I resist changing the Constitution, so getting me to vote “yes” means the amendment has to clear a rather high threshold. You certainly don’t have to agree with my analysis, but I hope at the very least it encourages you to do your own research before you enter the voting booth.

Amendment 1

Increase the homestead exemption on homes valued at greater than $100,000 without impacting school district levies.

Vote: NO

Increase a tax exemption? I like the idea and no, I’m not going down the “taxation is theft” rabbit hole. My issue is that the amendment only benefits some Florida homeowners, far from a majority. I’d be one of those homeowners, but something tells me my “savings” would somehow disappear with a subsequent increase in my property taxes. I’ll pass.

Amendment 2

Limit property tax assessment increases to 10 percent each year (except school district taxes), making a temporary cap permanent.

Vote: YES

I’m not a fan of property tax in the first place, so an amendment that caps increases is fine by me, though I’d prefer an even more aggressive (read: lower) cap. Florida Tax Watch likes this one.

Amendment 3

Give Florida voters the right to decide whether to authorize casino gambling.

Vote: NO

Do you really want to rely on voters in Brandon to authorize the opening of a casino four hours away in Pembroke Pines? Thanks, but I’d rather make the legislators do their jobs.

Amendment 4

Restore voting rights to former felons, except those convicted of murder and sexual offenses.

Vote: NO

FloridaVotingRights.org presents the argument better than I can in a sentence or two. Look, you can argue the current clemency process is clunky (it is) and in need of reform, but this is bad policy. It excludes some violent felonies but not all violent felonies. That’s inconsistent, and I’d like to avoid inconsistency in the Constitution when possible.

Amendment 5

Requires a supermajority (2/3 in the Florida House and Senate) instead of a simple majority to raise taxes.

Vote: YES

Make it harder for our state government to raise taxes? You betcha. Also, the amendment requires the tax or fee to be “in a separate bill that contains no other subject,” so legislators can’t slip increases into other bills. Florida Tax Watch likes this one, too.

Amendment 6

Creates constitutional rights for crime victims (Marsy’s Law), requires judges to independently interpret statutes and rules, rather than deferring to interpretations by government agencies, and raises the mandatory retirement age for judges and state justices to 75 years (currently 70).

Vote: NO

There’s a lot packed into this one. Let’s start with the big one. To me, Amendment 6 seems like a good idea that’s poorly conceived. Victims already have rights in the Florida Constitution, including the “right to be informed, to be present, and to be heard when relevant, at all crucial stages of criminal proceedings, to the extent that these rights do not interfere with the constitutional rights of the accused.” Marsy’s Law would eliminate this sentence, seemingly giving preferential treatment to the victim and putting due process in serious jeopardy. If you don’t mind, I’d like to preserve my constitutional rights and that whole innocent until proven guilty concept. As far as judicial interpretation of statues and rules, I’m not sure I like the idea of ignoring precedent, even if it is an interpretation from an administrative agency. Finally, with regard to judges, full retirement age to receive Social Security is 67 for folks born after 1960, and you can delay retirement until age 70 and get extra benefits. I don’t see why judges need to work past 70 if the federal government has established 70 as retirement age.

Amendment 7

Establish mandatory payment of death benefits and waive specific educational expenses to qualifying survivors of military members and first responders who die in the line of duty. Also requires a supermajority of votes by university trustees and state university system board of governors to raise fees or impose legislatively authorized fees if the law requires those fees to be approved by those bodies. And it establishes the Florida College System (what we used to call community colleges) as a constitutional entity and provides governance structure.

Vote: NO

This amendment is a mess, grouping three unrelated issues into an all-or-nothing proposal. All of these items can be addressed by state laws. Do we really need to address university fee requirements in a constitutional amendment? Many groups of first responders are already provided death benefits by law, so paramedics and emergency medical technicians can be added to the list. Fine, the Florida College System should be added to the Florida Constitution at some point, but it should be addressed separately.

Amendment 9

Prohibits offshore drilling for oil and natural gas between the mean high water line and Florida’s outermost territorial boundaries, and prohibits the use of e-cigarettes and vaping devices (matching the restrictions of tobacco smoking established in a 2002 constitutional amendment) in enclosed indoor workspaces.

Vote: YES

Another stupid bundling. Seriously, stick to one issue, people! That said, it’s important to protect our state’s environment by limiting drilling and protect our health by eliminating secondhand inhalation.

Amendment 10

Requires the Legislature to start its annual session in January instead of March during election (even) years.  Requires all Florida counties to elect sheriff, tax collector, elections supervisor, and clerk of courts. Also requires the state to have a department of veterans’ affairs (which already exists), and create an office of domestic security and counterterrorism within the Florida Department of Law Enforcement.

Vote: YES

It’s a bundle of housekeeping issues! That said, it’s a good bundle. Currently, the Florida Constitution says the legislature “may” establish a department of veterans’ affairs – this makes it a requirement. Establishing an office within the Florida Department of Law Enforcement specifically tasked with counterterrorism seems like a smart move to me. And as someone who likes consistency, I like the idea that every county in the state has to elect (rather than appoint) its top officers.

Amendment 11

Deletes language so the Legislature cannot prevent non-citizens from buying, selling, owning or inheriting property, deletes the “Savings Clause” from 1885 that forbids reducing a criminal sentence if subsequent sentencing laws reduce or eliminate the crime, and deletes “obsolete language” regarding the high-speed rail project that Floridians rejected in 2004.

Vote: YES

This is a bundle of garbage – obsolete garbage that needs to be removed from our Constitution.

Amendment 12

Expands restrictions on lobbying by former public officers and creates lobbying restrictions for current public officers, and prohibits public officers and employees from using their position for personal gain.

Vote: YES

I’m all for ethics, and I like the idea that state officials, judges, and local officials can’t be paid lobbyists while employed. Currently, state legislators and statewide elected officers must wait two years before becoming paid lobbyists; this amendment would extend that waiting period to six years and expand the list of “public officers” to include judges and other officials at the state, county, and local level. Basically, this amendment is meant to dissuade folks from using public service as a springboard to a lobbying career. It’s a controversial amendment, and I’ll grant you six years is a bit steep, but I like the idea of people running for public office because they want to be in the business of public service.

Amendment 13

Bans dog racing in connection with wagering by 2020.

Vote: NO

Even if you love dogs as much as I do, this does not belong in the Florida Constitution. Dog racing is already a dying industry, with less than a dozen tracks in the state and significant declines in attendance and wagering. Amendment or no, its days are numbered. Plus, this amendment does not prevent wagering on out-of-state races, so it doesn’t actually ban dog racing.  More important than all this, though, is the actual wording of the amendment. It contains a troublesome phrase that is not on the ballot: “The humane treatment of animals is a fundamental value of the people of the State of Florida.” What is humane treatment? Is it inhumane to train working dogs like police dogs or seeing-eye dogs? Is it inhumane to fish, keep animals in a zoo, or even have a pet in your home? Are you sure? Leon County Circuit Judge Karen Gievers, who blocked the amendment in August (it was put back on the ballot by the Florida Supreme Court in September), felt the amendment was misleading and “outright trickeration.” I’m inclined to agree.

Marriage: 2015

“The right to marry is a fundamental right inherent in the liberty of the person, and under the Due Process and Equal Protection Clauses of the Fourteenth Amendment couples of the same-sex may not be deprived of that right and that liberty.”

Justice Anthony Kennedy, Opinion of the Court

Obergefell v. Hodges

June 26, 2015

Two years ago, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled – properly – that Section 3 of the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) was unconstitutional. DOMA had essentially said U.S. jurisdictions were not obligated to recognize same-sex marriages that were legally established in other jurisdictions. This inconsistency was unfair – after all, marriage is essentially a contract according to the government, and that contract should be recognized by all states and territories.

It should have come to the surprise of no one, then, when the Court ruled to legalize same-sex marriage today. Yes, I know many of you with traditional values see marriage as a sacred union between one man and one woman. But the Supreme Court got this ruling correct, particularly when you consider its 2013 ruling on DOMA.

Personally, I’d rather not have my government in the marriage business at all, but that was not the issue argued before the Supreme Court. Though the debate about the continued weakening of states’ rights will continue, and justifiably so, there was judicial activism overriding the will of the people in some states and popular votes redefining marriage in others. The same-sex marriage debate needed to be answered on a national level.

Same-sex marriage has been a national talking point for some time. Many public figures – President Barack Obama and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton among them – have changed their views on this controversial topic to fit the political climate. (If you don’t believe me, review their 2008 debates, where both were strongly committed to the idea that marriage was a union between one man and one woman.) And let us not forget that President Bill Clinton signed DOMA into law in 1996. Of course, plenty of regular folks have had a change of heart as well.

But not everyone. Before the Supreme Court ruling, same-sex marriage was still banned in Arkansas, Georgia, Louisiana, Kentucky, Michigan, Mississippi, Missouri, Nebraska, North Dakota, Ohio, Tennessee, Texas, and South Dakota. Maine, Maryland, and Washington became the first states to actually approve same-sex marriage by popular vote (in late 2012 and early 2013). Maryland passed the measure by just 51.9 percent, after a similar referendum failed in Maine in 2009. In several states where same-sex marriage was legalized in recent years, it was the result of judicial activism or legislators, not voters. Previously, voters in several other states banned same-sex unions by constitutional amendment as recently as 2008 – and usually by a significant majority. Many of those amendments were later ruled unconstitutional; in fact, 16 of the 37 states that recognized same-sex marriage did so through the courts.

So, while same-sex marriage may now be protected by the U.S. Constitution, it is far from universally embraced throughout the country. The Court’s close 5-4 decision serves to illustrate this point. It is also not universally acknowledged by churches throughout the country, which means this is not the end of same-sex marriage legislation. When a same-sex couple decides to take a church to court for refusing to perform a wedding ceremony, freedom of religion will become the next battleground. Despite the assurance that “religious organizations and persons are given proper protection” in the Opinion of the Court, the lawsuits are coming, and it will likely get very nasty very quickly.

Also coming soon: polygamy, polyandry, and group marriage. Same-sex marriage is a huge victory for people who want to be married to multiple people at the same time. You have to wonder how long proponents will wait until they demand equal rights. Not long, I suspect.

Remember, there are no take-backs on this one. Once you redefine marriage for one group of consenting adults, you cannot reasonably make a case against redefining it again for another group of consenting adults. The Supreme Court has redefined a fundamental right, and others will line up for equality.

For those who cannot seem to accept the opinion of the Court, it is important to realize that not everyone out there defines marriage the same way you do, or defines homosexual behavior as immoral or even unnatural. Remember, some religions do not even recognize the Bible as the Word of God. Once you accept that people of different faiths – even institutions based on variations of your own core religious beliefs – can define marriage differently than you do, perhaps it will make the decision more palatable.

If not, just consider same-sex marriage as a chance to collect more taxes on new contracts in the form of marriage license fees, as well as an economic boon for wedding planners and divorce attorneys. Also, realize that none of this reduces the value of your heterosexual marriage, just as it has not reduced the value of heterosexual marriage in more than a dozen other countries around the world. (Yes, this is a landmark ruling here, but we are not the first country to legalize same-sex marriage.)

Finally, if you truly believe same-sex marriage is a sin, say a prayer to your God, be he Hairy Thunderer or Cosmic Muffin, and leave the judging to him. I will not admonish you for your beliefs, and I will not demand your church, temple, or mosque conduct same-sex marriage ceremonies. I would request, however, that you respect that some people have found love, even if it is not the love you would choose for yourself, and can now express that love within a legal union.

The Defiling of Workshop Sector Seven

Santa Claus, who rarely visited the workshop anymore, made a surprise appearance one cold November morning. Of course it was cold – Santa’s workshop is located at the North Pole – but there had been a particularly nasty storm the previous evening, leaving behind a thick blanket of snow that glistened like diamonds in the few short hours of sunlight.

The old man was decidedly less jolly than usual; in fact, he seemed perplexed. He sipped his oversized cup of cocoa absently as he waved a Christmas list from an eight-year-old boy from Texas.

“Can someone please tell me what the hell a cosmic branding iron is?” he bellowed.

“Give me a moment,” chirped Raphael. Raphael was a pretty lousy toymaker by elf standards, but he was very good with research and general office work. Contrary to popular belief, all elves at the North Pole do not make toys. Toymaking might be the high profile occupation, but there is plenty of work to do in any community, such as cooking, infrastructure, maintenance, and the like. Raphael had saved himself from a career mucking reindeer stalls with his surprisingly exhaustive knowledge of the Dewey Decimal System and search engine prowess.

Raphael flipped quickly through a thick, leather-bound illustrated toy reference catalog. “Yes, here it is,” he said. “It’s an accessory that is only available with the new JoJo Galaxy Jumpbot Special Edition Cowboy to the Stars.”

“What happened to the old days, when a kid just asked for a ‘dolly’ and left it at that?” Santa sighed to no one in particular.

“Children have become far more educated consumers. Lists today are incredibly detailed,” Raphael offered.

For not the first time, Santa considered retirement. Perhaps the Easter Bunny could do double duty. Oh, who was he kidding? There was no such thing as the Easter Bunny.

“JoJo Jumpbot, what a molded plastic piece of shit,” mumbled Frankie as he struggled to focus on coloring the pile of modeling compound in front of him. He was nursing a wicked hangover well earned from the previous night’s binge. With the ferocity of the storm, he had figured Santa would declare a Snow Day and he’d be able to stay home and sleep it off. Frankie had failed to account for the fact that they were in the North Pole, where every day was pretty much a snow day. There was a reason why Frankie didn’t work on the video game system assembly line.

“You got something to say about the most requested toy three Christmases running, Sneezy?” challenged Jennie, the lead tech on the JoJo line. Her retort was particularly toxic, as there were few things more insulting to an elf than being called the name of a dwarf. “By the way, are we having trouble keeping our hands steady while we play with our dough?”

“Hey, I’m not the one tossing my tinsel with the stocking stuffers,” Frankie fired back. “Your quality control boy Harold over there seems to have found a very special use for the spear-throwing motion of the JoJo Jumpbot Noble Savage of the Milky Way. Haven’t you, you creepy little coal stain?”

Harold was aghast. He stood up from his workbench, tossing aside the JoJo he had been inspecting as if it were covered in poison ivy. “Who told you, I mean, what do you mean, I don’t know what…” he stammered.

“Just stop,” Frankie cut him off. “We all know the gay stuff you do with that robot.”

“It’s not gay, not gay at all.”

“It’s a boy robot!”

“Just because it’s a boy robot does not make it gay.”

“No, I think that’s pretty gay,” Jennie conceded.

“It is most assuredly gay,” Frankie corrected. “Santa, can we get a ruling on this?”

“Gay,” replied Santa, who was starting to rethink the whole JoJo product line, particularly the JoJo Jumpbot Uranus Explorer that Harold had proposed last summer.

“What about Suzie?” Harold blurted. “She’s been working that vibrating Hysterical Hanna for about three years now.”

“Hey!” protested Suzie, an unassuming elf who worked in board games.

“Don’t try to deny it,” Harold attacked, desperately trying to remove the focus from his robotic proclivities. “How many times have I seen you replace that pull string in the past six months alone?”

“Oh, yeah?” Suzie managed, clenching her fists in a losing effort to stop herself from crying. “Well at least I don’t dip my junk in Peppermint Lake and then visit the reindeer!”

Santa spit up his cocoa at this last revelation, the cocoa that had been flavored that very morning with the waters of Peppermint Lake. Apparently, quite a few lonely toy making elves in attendance that day had discovered the affinity Santa’s reindeer had for peppermint – and rather than face the public humiliation of being identified as the most perverted elf in the workshop, which would be quite a feat considering that morning’s string of startling revelations, they decided independently and yet simultaneously to start a riot.

The room erupted into a flurry of elven mayhem. There was wrapping paper everywhere; even the good kind with the cutting guidelines on the back was haphazardly tossed about like used wrapping paper. Gumdrops were thrown in an ineffective effort to recreate a cafeteria food fight. Candy canes became hazardous projectiles, as Sammy, soon to be nicknamed “Blinky,” would later confirm. And one unfortunate jack-in-the-box found himself sprung into a place where the sun did not shine. Frankie was equally unhappy with the arrangement.

Eventually, order was restored. Between lost hours and cleanup efforts, however, more than a day of productivity during a crucial time of the year was lost, which forced Santa to skip Idaho that year. With regard to internal protocols, the riot was the catalyst for establishing a series of seminars addressing elven sexuality, as well as much tighter inventory control over toys with moving or vibrating parts. Access was also restricted to Peppermint Lake, which improved the taste of most meals and beverages in the North Pole, but caused Blitzen to fall into a horrible depression.

Another Valentine's Day

It’s just a stupid Hallmark holiday, she told herself. But she couldn’t make herself believe it. Too many stores filled with too many displays of silly stuffed animals, insincere greeting cards, and heart-shaped boxes of overpriced, second-rate chocolates had worn down Wanda’s resolve. She knew that if a suitor had come calling, any of these items would have been enthusiastically received.

“It just would have been nice, that’s all,” she told herself in the mirror, applying the final touches to her makeup. The office had been a nightmare today, as if all the boyfriends and husbands of her co-workers had conspired to keep the Valentine’s Day machine in business. Three different floral arrangements had been delivered to the office, as well as one bunch of balloons. Connie was beaming as she showed off a new diamond heart pendant from her boyfriend, and Crystal had positioned her new white teddy bear (holding a giant heart, of course) next to her monitor. Even Tracy, who had been married for more than 25 years, had been treated to candy and the promise of a romantic home-cooked dinner that evening. At least there had been no proposals – Wanda was not sure she could have handled it.

After a solitary meal of Chinese takeout on her couch, Wanda decided to forgo the sappy movies and ice cream – the stereotypical evening of a single woman perilously close to 30 who was alone on Valentine’s Day – and get out of the house. She was reasonably sure Prince Charming wasn’t going to be in Harry’s , but she was determined to not let the holiday completely win. She wore her favorite sweater, a red turtleneck that was tight in all the right places. Let them see why I spend all those hours in the gym, she thought.

To Matt, Valentine’s Day could be wrapped up in two words: forced romance. There is nothing spontaneous or romantic about an arbitrary day on the calendar where men are expected to write sonnets – or at least buy a card with a sonnet already included. He wasn’t opposed to romance, just opposed to the idea that it wasn’t his idea.

 Rarely could a man gain ground on February 14th, but he could very easily lose ground in a relationship. The wrong chocolates, not enough flowers, no jewelry – Amy got earrings, why didn’t you give me earrings? Generally, the best results merely maintained the status quo, while the slightest misstep invited an emotional cold front that could last for weeks. Matt was almost happy this year that he didn’t have to navigate through the quicksand. Almost.

As he finished his second beer at Harry’s, Matt noticed the local hangout held a few groups of young professionals like him, sharing drinks and finger foods and probably lying like crazy about why they didn’t have dates tonight. He’d been invited to a similar outing by some of his work friends, but tonight he preferred to sit alone and think about how he his last three or four relationships had failed. The cracks began to show with at least two of them around this time of year, but he wasn’t in the mood to figure out if that reflected poorly on him or them.

Briefly, Matt considered sharing his theories regarding Valentine’s Day with the bartender, but decided that conversation on this day would be perceived as bitter and pathetic. And it would be, Matt agreed to himself silently. It was still early, but better to leave now and be able to return at a later date without being branded as “Mr. Valentine” or something worse by the guy behind the bar. Besides, tomorrow was going to be a long day helping that nonprofit corporation, and he had that workout session with the trainer in the morning. He left a $20 on the bar, put on his leather jacket, and took his leave.

On his way out, Matt opened the door and held it for a shapely brunette. She was a welcome sight, tightly wrapped in a red sweater that complimented her figure and black jeans that added to the presentation. Some guy at Harry’s was really going to enjoy Valentine’s Day … well, if he had purchased the correct tokens of affection and in the right quantities. For just a moment, his eyes met hers, and he couldn’t help but smile. She returned the smile.

“Thank you,” Wanda said, walking through the door. “My pleasure,” he answered. “Happy Valentine’s Day.” He was wearing a bomber jacket over a oxford shirt and loosened tie. A kind smile, she thought. It’s a little early to be getting home, he must be meeting someone special.

Matt held the door open a bit longer than was necessary, enough to admire her walk. She wasn’t looking around for friends or a date, and she didn’t have a cell phone at the ready; no, she made a direct path toward an unoccupied area of the bar. She sat in the seat he had just vacated and called for the bartender.
 In or out? Destiny? With a slight shake of his head, he closed the door. No, that only happens in the movies, he thought with a small, sad smile. He adjusted his eyeglasses, stuffed his hands in the pockets of his leather jacket, and strolled toward the subway.

Wanda noticed the seat at the bar wasn’t cold. Someone had just been sitting here. Perhaps it had been the nice looking man who had smiled so warmly at the door. Destiny? She turned toward the door, but it was closed. No doubt he was halfway down the block or stuffed in a taxi by now. She stifled a laugh. No, that only happens in the movies, she thought, and turned toward the bartender to order a drink.

Of Mice and Mozart